First Mother's Day

I had an awesome first Mother's day. It started with breakfast in bed and a handwritten note from Jared and Colton, Colton even drew a little picture! Jared took good care of Colton while I got to relax.
We got some pictures before church, though of course Colton was much more interested in eating my necklace than cooperating for pictures.
I love being a mom, Some days are hard, some days are busy, some days are boring, some days are sad or joyful or exciting. Some days are all of those things all at once. I constantly lay in bed at night and wonder what I can do to be a better mom. I worry about what Colton's learning, eating, saying, doing, etc. etc. etc.
I got my first "day off" since Colton was born yesterday. Jared's work pays for 20 days of "back up care" per year, where they will send in a nanny during the day. I have been looking forward to this day for two weeks. I had a doctor appointment, I went out to a cheat lunch, saw Insurgent, went shopping at Sally's, and went to get my hair done.

But all day I felt guilty for leaving Colton and missed him like crazy. I felt so alone! Then when I got home he didn't even want the nanny to leave he loved her so much and the surge of jealously I felt was totally irrational, and as I laid in bed last night I just felt sad about the whole day.
That, to me, is what motherhood is though. I can't just get a "day off" from being a mom, it's not a job, it's an identity. I WISH that I could take a day and only think about myself and what I want to do, but I think those days are behind me, and I am so grateful for it.
I now have only slept through the night once in about 15 months. I get my hair pulled and my face scratched constantly, I get my necklaces chewed on, I get slobber stains on all my clothes, spit up in my mouth, and snot streaks on my fake tan. I get big wet kisses 100 times a day. I get a few minutes of cuddles where Colton slows down long enough to rest his head on my shoulder, just for a second. I get to hear "Mamamamama" all day long. I get to find little socks in my dryer, and I get to comb his baby hair and make him look so handsome, Colton sings at the top of his lungs with me in the car, and I get to reach back and tickle his face and hear him squeal with laughter. He is a part of me that walks around outside my body, and I have never in my life felt so right as I do being his mom.
I can't wait for more kiddos that I get to feel this way about. I can't even fathom that my heart could be filled with more love, or sorrow, or guilt, or joy. But recognizing all of these things, that is what Mother's day is all about.

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